Chobani Chewer

In the morning I am easily annoyed. I am not one of those people who wakes up much earlier than necessary to read the paper. I don't arrive 45 minutes early to work to make small talk and gossip over coffee. I don't think it's cute when people take up seats on the train with their giant bags or don't offer their seat to elderly women. Loss of my time and rudeness bother me exponentially when I am not fully awake.
It is also during these early morning hours that trivial things that shouldn't bother me drive me crazy. Sometimes I want to punch the man wearing the horrendous eau de toilet (not toilette) musk that only he can possibly think smells good. And then there are those annoying couples who ride the train together in the morning and feel the need to nuzzle and give sloppy kisses when the rest of us want to vom in the laps. But today was different. Somewhere between Chambers Street and 14th Street a seemingly normal-looking girl sat down across from me and proceeded to eat her breakfast. Chobani Greek yogurt. Strawberry banana. Normal enough, right? How wrong you are my naive little reader. How wrong you are. Her choice of food was completely normal. I myself would have gone for a better flavor like honey, mango or pomegranate, but no one is perfect. No, dear friends, it wasn't her mediocre flavor choice. It was the fact that she masticated her yogurt. No gulping involved like us normal yogurt eaters; she straight up chewed that Chobani! I wasn't sure why she was bothering me so much at first, but then I realized it: she was actually chomping on yogurt! Who does that? Greek yogurt is thick, sure but the act of chewing is absolutely not necessary. What is there to chew? Does this chewing (with her mouth open I might add, gross) make the Chobani more flavorful? I had to find out. I bought a strawberry banana Chobani yogurt and tried to chew it as the woman on the train had this morning. Would I find yogurt enlightenment? Absolutely not. It was actually more difficult to chew that Chobani than to simply swallow it like normal people. If I am feeling more assertive rather than passive-aggressive the next time I see her, I will let her know about my discovery and her ignorance. Fool.